This happens when Dean and I go find Sam, three years after he's left us and papa.
S01E01
"Drew." Sam says, staring at me.
I feel awkward, for some reasons. Maybe it's because I haven't felt his gaze on me since three long years, and I almost forgot what it's like. Yeah, that's awkward. I'm sitting in his kitchen, a glass of coke in my two hands, and he's there, in his PJs, staring at me. Dean's in the other room. I know Sam is still mad at him, but he's not mad at me, now is he? I'm not sure, I'm not sure of anything right now. When papa's missing, I'm not sure of anything at all. He's my beacon. What about me, am I mad at my big brother? Am I mad at Sam for being here, having a kitchen at all, a place to be, a girlfriend, and leaving us - leaving me - behind, like we never existed?
I'm taken off my thoughts when his hand reaches my face, but it passes past it and ends in my hair. He gently touches it and asks "Why did you cut it so short?"
I raise my eyebrows, surprised. "Dean's idea."
Last time I saw Sam, my hair was long - long enough to reach my butt. Dean was always worried that some creature or people would grab me by my hair and would always tell me to tie them up, until one day we both decided it was time for me to cut it off.
"Ah." Sam says with a sigh. "I remember him telling you to always get it out of the way during your trainings."
He pats the side of my head and I watch as sadness take over his features. I know that face enough. I see his eyebrows, the light in his eyes, his clenched lips. I see the pain on my big brother’s face.
"Sam?"
"How did you two get along?" he asks.
"Pretty well, actually." I slightly shrug.
"I'm glad." he nods. "Still, Drew..."
He stops and I look at him, waiting for whatever he has to say.
"You're 18 now. You're not a kid anymore. And if you want... you know, if you want to come here, live with me, you can. I'd be happy to have you."
"With you?"
"Yeah."
"And your girlfriend?"
"We could be a family."
I smile.
"Papa and Dean are family too, y'know."
"I know. I know that. But... they're obsessed. You weren't even born yet when... all of this started. You don't have to live with it, hell, you don’t have to die for this. I don't want you to be hunting demons all your life. We could be a normal family."
"Sammy..." I sigh, it hurts. "I love you. I understood and accepted your decision when you left, and God knows how much it fucking hurts to live a day without you. But I am not leaving papa and Dean. I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do."
He's not saying anything. I hurt him, I know. And as much as I regret it, I can't take back what I said. It hurts him that I'm not like him in the end. It hurts him that he's the only one in this family feeling this way, or at least he thinks. It hurts him that he can't take me off of this life he hates and believe I should hate too. But the only thing I hate about this life is not having him in it anymore. He sighs and look at me, gently.
"I miss you too."
